My count down was beginning......

Time was beginning to run out for us. I had written a VERY specific birth plan for what we wanted. Things like she was not to be referred to as "the baby", she was to be called by her name, Rabecca. There were to be NO students, only the necessary people, and they were to be informed of the situation before entering the room with us. That was to protect Joey and I from having to explain her condition to every person who entered our room. Rabecca was to be VERY quickly assessed, then wrapped and handed to me. All the vitamin K, weight and anything else unnecessary was to wait until her daddy and I could hold her and whisper to her how much she was loved. It was a very extensive birth plan, but no one questioned it and they kindly obeyed our wishes. Tammy had taken time out of her schedule and toured the rooms that we would be in and showed us where the family could wait close by. As we walked and talked to Tammy in the hospital she knew that our time was very near, only one more ultrasound and just a few more weeks till her due date. As we talked to her in the labor & delivery room she asked me if it would be alright to do a couple of things for me. I said "sure what kind of things were you thinking about?" She said to me" Julie, you are going to be going through a difficult time here in the hospital. When babies are born mothers get a pink or blue ribbon hung on their door, and there is nothing for mothers with a grim outlook, there is nothing available to hang on the door, would you mind if I made you a white bow with a little pink it to show that there was life here and that it mattered no matter how short of time she was here?" I just cried and hugged her and told her that I would love to have that. She also wanted to paint me a tile with a beautiful butterfly on it with her monogram. Then she asked to do a second favor for me. "I know how hard it is to find clothes for preemies , even though she will be full term she is going to be very tiny and I don't want you to have to worry about finding her a dress for when Jesus comes to take her home. Would you mind if I had her one made? I work with a wonderful group of ladies that will do it free of charge." I was ecstatic! "YES! I would love that !" Tammy was truly a God send! She was thinking about all the little things that I would have never thought to do. She was helping me make memories already. I couldn't have been more grateful to anyone! She told me things that I never knew that I had an option to do, like bathe her in the delivery room, stay with her as long as I wanted after she passed, taking pictures for me, getting a lock of her hair, little hand and feet prints in a mold. Things that I can never replace and if it were not for her I would never have gotten.
A couple of weeks later was the last ultrasound. The doctors looked at her very closely, because up until this point there was nothing visibly wrong with her. He told us that all 4 parts of her brain were there and getting the blood flow necessary to function. Well after all that bad news I had been getting Joey and I started clapping and squealing like two little school girls going to the prom! The doc just looked over his glasses and said in a tone I didn't like too well "Do you not realize what the extent of the baby's condition is?" DUH!!! I've only been living it for the last 18 weeks!! I, in a smart a** tone said " Yes I do know what I am facing, but any good news is worth cheering about! This is my daughter and I am happy to hear something besides the tough stuff!" Well I spoke too soon, because a few minutes later another doctor came in and looked her brain over and told us that he wasn't absolutely positive, but he thought she had Dandy Walker Syndrome. Another slap in the face! "What's that I asked?" He explained to me that in the back of her head where her brain was suppose to come together it has a separation in it. It controlled her movement and balance. "It could just be a shadow, but I think I am probably right." CRAP!!!! CAN'T I GO TO THE DOCTOR WITHOUT HEARING ALL BAD NEWS? I was due in 3 weeks and I told Joey no more ultrasounds! It is what it is and I can't put myself through anymore of this! I needed to go home and plan for her birth.