Trying to remember.......

Things are pretty crazy around here and I don't sleep much, but that is okay. I am just so thankful that I was able to bring Rabecca home. Hospice has been here.....a lot! They met us at our house the day we came home and were GREAT!! Nancy Dearing and Julie Clark have already became a part of this family. They are both so gracious when they come to visit and they never mind coming by for just a check on her and remind me that this is what they do and that they are here for us.
Now Rabecca is 2 weeks old and she has began to have some feeding issues and some breathing issues. She forgets to breathe while she eats and it causes her to turn blue around her mouth. It literally scares the crap out of me. I am so thankful for the hospice team. They have been so wonderful. Tammy came by here today and brought lil miss a 2 week birthday cake to celebrate her life. I didn't have any candles, so I used the nipples from her bottles as make-shift candles and it was really cute. I am rying not to focus on all the bad stuff that I know is coming my way, but in reality it is soo hard. I am terrified that I am going to wake up and find Becca in my bed not breathing. I know that they say not to put the baby in the bed with you, but I can't put her in the crib. I am too worried that I won't hear her if she needs me and I can't rest at all if I can't put my hands on her and feel her breathing. I have come to realize that her being awake alone is more important to me than me getting any sleep. I can't leave her awake alone. I will sit up with her as long as she is awake, and she is up pretty much all night. I think that she has her days and nights mixed up. She sleeps a good bit during the day and is up most of the night. We sit and watch discovery health, isn't that wierd? Of all things that we could watch we watch people having surgery and recovering. Anyway, Beccca has become so dependant on me being there all the time, that I can't even go to the store without her pitching one heck of a fit. Joey will call me when I am at the store and have me talk to her until I get home so she won't cry so much. Definately a mama's girl :o) !

I have a lot to say........ I am just having a really hard day today, and I can't get my words out of my head and on to my blog. If you didn't know I am going to explain why I am all over the place. I started this blog in June of 2008, Rabecca was born October 1, 2007. This has become a part of healing for me. Tammy Tate and my Doctor encouraged me to write and tell the story of Rabecca's short, but profound life. I have to say that it does help the healing process, but it is sooo hard to revisit that time, because I have to think and pull out good memories. The things that I want to stick with me are the things that I find it hardest to remember. The things that stick most in my mind are the last two days with her and the day she passed away and I find myself wanting to fast-forward to thoes days. I NEED to remember the other days. I NEED to find the "good stuff" if you will, because I can't let myself forget..........that is my worst fear........that I am forgetting and can't live with that.