I hate today...

   Today has sucked for me. It has been raining all day and I cannot go to your resting place ...I am so pissed! That is all I will ever get to do for you as your mom. All I will ever be able to do is decorate a stupid rock with your picture on it and a bible verse on the back. All I can ever do for you is clean the weeds out of the gravel that holds your headstone. At least that's how it feels anyway. I hate today. I hate it more and more every year. I hate knowing that i  will never know who you were going to be. I will never get to wipe away your tears because you are upset, I will never get to clean your boo boo because you fell down while running around the pool and you scraped your knee. I will never get to tell you how mean boys can be and that they have cooties. I will never get to do the things that other women take for granted. I want to brush your long brown hair and I want to run you and Bella a bubble bath and I want to tell Emily to help you get the milk out of the refrigerator because it's too heavy for you to pour. I hate knowing that my days of being your mom had a number on it. The number 67 will resonate chills and a feverish burn in my veins forever. Today my thoughts have been scattered and every time you even cross my mind for a second I begin to drift to this day 9 years ago. I will never forget the look on nurse Julie's face when she handed you  back to me after she checked your breathing. She knew that it was time and she loved you. She was the first one to get there that morning and I  still have no idea how she got there that fast. She had to be close by. I just can't remember the conversation... I don't even know if I called her or your dad. I don't remember alot, but the parts that I do remember are so vivid that I can literally feel like I'm right there. I hate having to go to work today every year because I have to stop myself from drifting off and thinking about you. I feel guilty. I wish that I could have done something to keep you from being sick. Maybe I missed something, maybe I didn't take the right vitamins or eat the right foods. I'll never know the answer to that but I will always carry it with me. I know that I did what I thought was best when you were born so that you could stay as long as possible but I still wonder what if there was something else I should have tried. I hate feeling guilty. I just hate today because I love you so much....