I hate today...

   Today has sucked for me. It has been raining all day and I cannot go to your resting place ...I am so pissed! That is all I will ever get to do for you as your mom. All I will ever be able to do is decorate a stupid rock with your picture on it and a bible verse on the back. All I can ever do for you is clean the weeds out of the gravel that holds your headstone. At least that's how it feels anyway. I hate today. I hate it more and more every year. I hate knowing that i  will never know who you were going to be. I will never get to wipe away your tears because you are upset, I will never get to clean your boo boo because you fell down while running around the pool and you scraped your knee. I will never get to tell you how mean boys can be and that they have cooties. I will never get to do the things that other women take for granted. I want to brush your long brown hair and I want to run you and Bella a bubble bath and I want to tell Emily to help you get the milk out of the refrigerator because it's too heavy for you to pour. I hate knowing that my days of being your mom had a number on it. The number 67 will resonate chills and a feverish burn in my veins forever. Today my thoughts have been scattered and every time you even cross my mind for a second I begin to drift to this day 9 years ago. I will never forget the look on nurse Julie's face when she handed you  back to me after she checked your breathing. She knew that it was time and she loved you. She was the first one to get there that morning and I  still have no idea how she got there that fast. She had to be close by. I just can't remember the conversation... I don't even know if I called her or your dad. I don't remember alot, but the parts that I do remember are so vivid that I can literally feel like I'm right there. I hate having to go to work today every year because I have to stop myself from drifting off and thinking about you. I feel guilty. I wish that I could have done something to keep you from being sick. Maybe I missed something, maybe I didn't take the right vitamins or eat the right foods. I'll never know the answer to that but I will always carry it with me. I know that I did what I thought was best when you were born so that you could stay as long as possible but I still wonder what if there was something else I should have tried. I hate feeling guilty. I just hate today because I love you so much.... 

Tomorrow is your birthday

      They say that the weather is supposed to start changing soon even though it's been so hot.. It's hard to believe considering the temperature has been in the mid 90's and it's the last day of September already. The leaves will start to fall soon and cover the ground with the beautiful colors of fall that were once a rich lush green.The birds chirp will become further and fewer between as they move on along to warmer places. The days will get shorter as the evening comes quicker and the nights get a little longer. Soon the hoodies will come out and we will start the usual bonfires and s'mores. I have you on my mind sweet Rabecca.... Every single day you are in my thoughts and in my heart. With all this change also comes your birthday. I am so torn.and often feel nauseous. October 1st is almost like a dreaded day. I hate to see it come because you are not here. I am supposed to be making plans for your 9th celebration. I am supposed to be running around trying to find just the right decorations for your personality, except I will never know who you are at this age. I am supposed to be rushing to find those last minute gifts that you just have to have, except I will never know what your favorite toys are. I am supposed to make sure that the balloon colors will match your cake, except I will never know what your favorite color is and I will never know what kind of cake you want. I won't get to see you run and play and when you fall down and scrape your knee I can't brush off the dirt and kiss your boo boo all better and scoot you off to go catch up with the other kids. I won't get to see you blow out your candle and make a silly wish and I can't smear icing on your nose for good luck.I won't get to have all the anxiety that comes along with planning an event for you. My day will not look anything like I wish it would. Instead my day will begin with me waking up to a gut wrenching feeling that I will have to push to the side because your sisters will be up soon...gosh  I wish you knew them, they are great.... and then we will head to Bella's ballgame. After she cheers her heart out we will go home and I will gather the flowers and pumpkins and scarecrow an head to your resting place. Not to the park, or to the church or even home to decorate, but to your resting place to decorate. It is the most bittersweet thing that I ever do. The biggest part of me wants be happy and place the flowers for you with a joyful heart because I know that you are celebrating with our King Jesus, but in reality I am so angry that I want to scream and yell. I want to tear up the headstone and throw it across the cemetery Instead I will just cry and feel broken because a piece of me is forever gone and you took all of the joy that I have ever felt with you when Jesus came to take you from my arms.I am lost. You left a huge hole in me and I cannot fill it. I have tried but I can't. I stopped going to the cemetery as much because your daddy said that it was taking me to a place that wasn't good for me. It's just so hard to leave you there ..every single time I leave you. Everyone tells me that you aren't there that you are in a much better place, but that is the last place that I saw you and how can a place be better than in your moms arms? I know that heaven is a million times greater and more perfect than the best place on earth, but I just want to take care of you. I just want to wake up and go to your room and get you ready for school, and fuss at you for watching cartoons instead of eating your breakfast. .....I just miss being your mom!! I still feel robbed I still get mad and I still just don't understand WHY? It's just not fair...
     Time heals everything...except for this. The only thin that I have figured out is that it just changes.It comes in waves. Some days I can talk about your life and manage to form a smile and other days I can't even speak your name without the sting of tears forming in my eyes. I just miss you. I still have the clothes that you had on when you were taken from home in sealed in a bag. Sometimes I go get them out so that I can smell them just to see if I can pick up your scent. I always could until about 6 months ago and I couldn't find it anymore. I sat in the floor and cried. I began to question whether or not I ever even could smell you or was it just a figment of my desperate mind. No matter the answer it was comforting to me. It gave me the sense that I still had a living piece of you in my home. I'd give anything to hold you and kiss your sweet little face and rub your stinky little toes just one more time. 
        Soon it will be bed time for your sisters and tomorrow morning will be here before I know it. I will try and start the day with as much happiness as I can because tomorrow is your birthday........