Why has it been so rough ......

            The last week or so has been really emotional for me, and to be quite honest I had no idea why.....until this morning. I realized that in 4 days it will have been 6 years that I got the most awful phone call that anyone could get. I was told that the daughter I was carrying had the possibility of having Trisomy 18, and in 7 days it will be 6 years that it was confirmed that she had a 1:20 chance of having the chromosomal defect and in 18 days it will be 6 years that it was confirmed that my daughter I was carrying would in fact die......
        There are a lot of people who think that I should be past this much heart ache, but guess what.... I AM NOT!!! I am trapped in that place 6 years ago. My mind is still wrapped up in the months following those days, right up until I was forced out of bed on December 31st to head back to work and go back to "normal". What is normal after your baby takes her last breath in your arms? What is normal when you think of her everyday and you see other little girls her age playing and twirling around in their princess dresses and dancing in the living room, but you are ONLY IMAGINING that being your daughter. Don't ever take those little moments for granted and certainly don't allow yourself to be irritated because they are being silly and loud...they are supposed to be.
        How can you be normal when you are trapped in a place that is so un-normal? You are supposed to go before your child....not the other way around. As many people who I know love me, I truly feel alone in this crowded room we call life. I want to scream to the top of my lungs, I want to throw a tantrum and I want to hit something, I want to break stuff....just like me...broken. I don't even think that I know how to move forward. I see all these women doing things, web pages, memorials, balloon releases ect.....and I don't know how they are able to hold it together. How can they relive that and still smile? I would give anything to be in "that place" where remembering is fun and a happy time, not so heart wrenching and painful. Even though I smile when I speak her name, I am breaking apart all over and over again.
        I don't know what normal is anymore. I feel like I am at my wits end and I am sitting there alone.